


the pregnancy scare

by chrisevansisanassman



Category: Big Brother RPF
Genre: M/M, This is a crack fic, i promise we are only slightly below the average mental stability of the nation, this is a joke, this is not mpreg, we are kidding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 20:50:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3425162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisevansisanassman/pseuds/chrisevansisanassman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>snickerdoodles, babies, and glitter. the ultimate adventure of two dubiously in love men.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the pregnancy scare

**Author's Note:**

> not to take any of the fame of the original masterpiece of a crack fic for zankie, but this is a different. thanks for reading. thought i should take a break from the usual. beth helped me out a lot.

Frankie, while applying his fifth layer of Bumble and Bumble hairspray, stopped and looked over to his big sis Ari. As he did his best to squint through the large beams of angelic, heavenly lights, he QUEERied, “Do you think Zach loves me.”  
               

Ari made a noise somewhere between a scoff and a grunt, yet she still made it cute and heavenly with harps in the background. “Obviously he loves you.” She said. “We are practically the same people… and you remember what happened the last time someone didn’t love me…”

               

Frankie cringed, his lil body shaking. He couldn’t go through that again… not after having to talk about it so much to his therapist… “Right,, listen we’ll just call him and see what he says.”

               

Zach, a millionand two miles away in Florida, was hanging out with his little brother when he received the call. They were making cookies, and he was having a huge snickerdoodle disaster as the  phone buzzed. “PAYTON.” He shouted, like a strong… muscular authority figure… like a worker at Best Buy. “YOUR PHONE IS STRESSING ME OUT.”

               

The paunchy 12 ½ year odl answered the phone, fully knowing that it wasn’t his. “Yello,” he answered.

               

Two feet away, Zach cursed to himself… wondering why Payton had to turn out so much like him… why did it turn out this way?

               

“Hey are you gay?”

              

  Payton handed the phone to Zach. “It’s for you.”

               

With cookie dough in his hands, he nudged the phone between his ripped shoulders. (Tricpes and Biceps, bitch. Make sure to evenly work them out so you don’t suffer from muscle ligament injuries). “Yello. FUCK. Hello.”

               

A very scared Frankie replied, “Zach… u ok?”

               

“Do I seem okay??” he answered, full of stress and anger. “My hands are covered in vegan snickerdoodle, Peyton keeps singing Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em, and I posted an IG pic twelve minutes ago and you haven’t liked it yet.”

               

“I just haven’t seen the pic yet!!” he reassured him. He did, however, see the IG pic and there were many reasons as to why he didn’t like it. Who, other than lame fourteen year olds, wore socks with lil marijuana weeds on them? Why would you Instagram that? Frankie was straightedge, or rather gayedge as his homosexual self liked to call it.

               

“Babe…” Zach muttered, desolately likcing the snickerdoodle off his hand. “do you think I’m preggers?”

               

“What?” Frankie asked in bewilderment.

               

“I’m prego.”

               

“Like the sauce? Honey you know how I’m opposed to artificially flavored sauces.”

              

  “I think I’m… pregnant.”

               

“What?? Like… a real baby or three Chipolte burritos like the last time…”

               

“The hell? No. Like a real child.”

              

  “Like Ivy Blue?”

              

  “Ye, babe… EXZACHLY like Ivy Blue.”

               

Frankie breathes heavily and whispers into the phone, voice raspy. “If you need help naming the bb… I have some great ideas. Ari, Ariana, Ariago. If it’s a boy, FRAN…. cisco.”

               

“Babe… that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m not ready to be a father. I mean, I fed Tiger a whole chocolate cake (from Costco, 29.99) last night. What if I do that to our child????”

               

“Don’t worry Zach, you’ll be a great father. Come to New Yark and we can discuss.”

               

“But can I fly while pregnant?”

               

“Babe…” Frankie muttered in a husky voice. “That’s a risk we’re going to have to take... Like when Simon Cowell had to make the decision to send Adam Lambert to Hollywood.”

               

Zach yelled, “ON IT.” He got on the plane, hands still covered in snickerdoodle dough, licking them clean on the plane ride there.”

               

By the time he landed in New York, his fingers were clean. It only took seven hours. He ran into the airport and found his pink haired lover waiting for him. Honestly you could spot the twink from a mile away, as usual. He ran towards him, the world slowing down around him.

               

They embraced dramatically, spinning as they hugged, glitter falling from Frankie’s boots. Suddenly, as Frankie tried to pick him up, he dropped Zach on the cold tile. As he rubbed his bashed head, Frankie yelled, “Jesus, Zach, you need to cut down on the cookie parties.”

               

“How could you think about that in a time like this??” Zach cried. “I have a baby inside me, and I can’t see with all this GLITTER IN MY EYES.”

               

“Baby, it’s Gucci.” Frankie muttered. “You’ll get used to it… the last one did.”

               

They kissed, and as Zach pulled away he whispered into his ear, “Have you ever read the book the Secret, by Rhonda Byrne published on November 28, 2006. It’s a thrilling self-help book that highlights”

               

“Zach there’s not enough time in the world for you to sell me self-help books.”

               

They held hands and ran as fast as possible to Planned Parenthead. Zach threw up twice on the run. “Do you think it’s the baby?”

               

“Zach!” Frankie yelled. “You can clearly see the chocolate chips from cookies in there. And… wait… are those black beans?? Did you eat more Chipolte??”

               

“No...” Zach said slowly, trying to hide his hand that was stuck in a cookie jar.

               

They reached Planned Parenthood and found some paperwork to fill out. Taking a seat next to a sobbing sixteen year old who was wearing the same boots as Frankie.   

               

As Frankie filled out the sheets, Zach talked to her. “Listen, kid, you have to stay in school and be nice to your teachers. You need to work hard and be friends with them and”

               

“Look, bruh, I’m not gonna fuck my teacher.”

               

Zach panned to the camera, a single tear rolling down his cheek.  “That’s not what I meant.”

               

Frankie, oblivious to it all, as usual, humming along to ‘Break Free’ in his head, asked, “Zach, are you allergic to anything?”

               

“Telling the truth, girls, and I’m also deadly allegoric to peanut butter.”

               

“Babe… you were making peanut butter snickerdoodles, though.”

               

“Well, yeah, Peyton knows how to use the Epi Pen. I was gonna fight through the pain.”

               

They were called into a room. The doctor stood there and the doctor said, “-“

               

Zach interrupted. “NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED.”

               

“Excuse me, sir,” the doctor stated. “Men can’t even have babies.”

               

“THANK GOD.” Zach relished. “I wasn’t ready…”

               

“Yeah,” Frankie nodded. “My apartment is totally not baby-proof. I have a lot of high heels sitting around… exposed door knobs… Ari merch…”

               

Throughout all the excitement, Zach realized his phone was ringing. “Hello,”

               

Payton yelled, “Zach!! You left the oven on. THE HOUSE BURNT DOWN.”

               

“Oh no…” Zach murmured, looking to the camera. “BETTER DO A ZRL.”


End file.
